Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Resolutions

The birth of a "new year" means a possible new transformation of self into the person you are so desperately trying to become. We call these "New Year's Resolutions." It is a time honored tradition, for several years, perhaps, decades, but probably no more than like 5 or 8 decades [Science 8], that all Human People make a list of things they want to perform better in life. It has been recorded that of all of the resolutions made, 119% of them come true, and this is why the Humans stay alive and do not jump off of bridges by early March. This, and that the police have constant "surveillance" on all of the bridges now, since the incident in 1855 when 13 businessmen did not make their resolutions and set each other on fire and jumped off the Manhattan Bridge, just one year after it had been built.

Nonetheless, I have put together a modest list of New Year's Resolutions for myself, and have perfect faith that I will accomplish all of them, or else what the hell am I even doing, I WILL JUMP I SWEAR TO GO- here it is.

-Write more.
-Read more.
-Step outside of my comfort zone
-Figure out what legs are really made of
-Fit a whole tree into my car
-Find out where all of the banks are hiding
-Rent an actual cave, flip it, and sell it for 500x the original buying price
-Lose weight to the point where I am an actual skeleton and don't need to buy a Memorial Day costume
-Become a dad
-Dunk my whole head into a crockpot full of black beans and teach them how to love
-DEFUND OBAMACARE
-REFUND OBAMACARE
-DEFUND OBAMACARE, AGAIN
-Better my credit score
-Get married 13 times
-Get divorced 39 times (it's complicated, LOL)
-Convince 2 of my ex husbands to marry each other
-Convince a falcon to marry one of my ex husband's dads
-Find a bat in the wild and tell it, "HEY. YOU. YOU'RE MY BAT NOW. YOU... BAT."
-Eat healthier
-Become Bono, then change my name to "Who Gives a Fuck?"
-Be inducted into a Train Museum, as an actual train
-Be a better sister
-Be a better girlfriend
-Be a better gang member
-Be an actual letter of the alphabet
-Learn how to use a telephone
-Learn where telephones came from
-Learn who invented the telephone
-Learn what a telephone is
-Buy a telephone
-Communicate with bees, not with words, but just with a "look"
-Find my real birth grandmother's son's aunt
-Dance on a beach
-Dance on a beach, with a skeleton
-Dance on 3 beaches at once, while 37 skeletons watch, and take notes
-Climb inside of my actual purse and tumble down the street
-Cure cancer, AIDS, the flu, the bird flu, the fire flu (the flu of where your head turns to fire), the microwave flu (the flu of where your head turns into a microwave), the cold, the warm,
-Have blade legs
-Become a Doctor
-Be more punctual
-Teach a snake how to be a car
-Teach a car how to be a monsoon
-Find a tangible monsoon that I can put a dress on
-Invent something I like to call "hats" (it's like a shirt for your head!)
-Become a cop, with nothing left to lose other than HIS OWN MOTHER
-Figure out what the hell an oven actual even does
-World peace
-Become an actual wig
-Try rice, for the first time
-Try "talking to your dad" for the first time
-Introduce a child to an iguana

I have at least 89 more, and 117 alternates, but they're all ridiculous, so I won't bother listing them. I wouldn't want to embarrass myself! Here's to a monumental 2014, everyone. And if anyone knows what "monumental" means, please email me. I don't know much about anything.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Doctor Visit

Going to the doctor can be very nerve-wrecking. You've got a problem, you know you have a problem, but once you're sitting in that little room all by yourself, you start to get into your own head, perhaps forget your own name, and by the time the doctor actually enters the room, you forget completely why you're there in the first place, as well as any and every question you wanted to ask.

That's why it is important to make a list of questions beforehand. Don't be embarrassed - a lot of people do this, and the doctors are used to it because they get it all the time. How are you supposed to remember a bunch of questions and also your name and how to walk and breathe? That's absurd.

Even if it's only a yearly check up, it's important to ask questions. What are good questions to ask anyways, you may be wondering? Listed below are some more important examples.

- At what age should I begin regularly exercising?
- What time should one stop eating at night, as not to gain weight?
- What does a beak feel like?
- Am I a healthy weight for my height?
- Is there such a thing as a goat, really?
- What is "3?"
- How many times is too many times for someone to accidentally pee on your own stove?
- If it's over 6 feet, is it still considered a candle, or is that a torch?
- How do you know if you're Bret Micheals?
- What attracts ghosts? Tomatoes?
- Sometimes I think my hands are tambourines?
- If you see a wolf, and are not filled with fear, are you a wolf now?
- Are these really called "hands," or is there a better name for them?
- If my boss asks me to tuck in my shirt, and I don't want to, so I cut off both of my legs, will my insurance cover it?
- Is there an actual function for glasses, or are they just necklaces for your eyes?
- What do you do if you can't find your house? Go to someone else's?
- How do you know if there is an eel living in your brain? Will he tell you, or do you have to guess?
- Are my parents actual pigeons, or did I dream that?
- Is there a Soft Rock Cafe?
- When is it O.K. to vacuum a stranger?
- Can you be allergic to the word "hatch?"
- Are pine cones Easter eggs that have "gone rogue?"
- Is hair loss genetic?
- Is having a stomach that is inside genetic?
- Are tubas actually just recordings of sad whales?
- Can someone actually be born wearing a hat?
- Are cars with blue tinted headlights only driven by angels?
- What is the average age of a healthy human being?
- What do you do if someone reacts negatively to the collage you made of their dad?
- What to do if you ask someone "How are you?" but they ask you at the same time? Move in together?
- Has anyone invented ham cake yet? Can I invent it? Can you?
- Is a chaplain just another name for a magician, but a funny one?
- Can you teach a falcon how to drive a car, and if not, can you please explain how I got here today?
- Does "CD" stand for "Burger Police?"
- How do I join the Burger Police? They accept humans, or just burgers?
- If I kill myself, could I choose to be reincarnated as a burger?
- Does a platypus know how fucking stupid as shit it looks?
- Heads... what are they, really?
- If you throw up a whole microwave, can you return it to a store, without a receipt?
- What is a receipt?
- What is a microwave?
- How many moms are loitering outside of any given Red Robin, right now, or ever?
- Can pants be shirts?
- The hell's a "vest?" A car? Is it like a Jeep?
- Jeeps aren't actually real, are they?
- So, who's all a ghost here, in this office? The ones with clipboards?
- Do you like your mouth? I'm not sure if I like mine much?
- Will you tattoo an actual taco to my mouth, right now?
- What are the signs of diabetes?
- I'm 85% positive that one of my arms is a flute? Can you try playing it?
- Can my bathroom be my boyfriend?
- If I plug my ears long enough, will they just get off my head, already????
- Can I open up a Mervyn's, inside of my heart?
- Is climbing inside of the pants you are currently wearing an appropriate response to someone asking you on a date?
- Where can I hire models for my clothing brand who are actual buildings? Here?
- How many falcons do you know with masters degrees? All of them, or?
- Did you go to high school?
- What can guys who wear their sunglasses on the backs of their heads NOT do perfectly???
- *clicking sounds with questions marks at the end*

Obviously, this is just a template. Everyone is different. To your health, friends.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

(Completely legal) things you can do to a company that does not hire you.

Did you recently apply for a position at a company that you are very excited about, and really feel like you nailed the interview, but then receive word that they have decided to choose someone else instead? Are you feeling dejected, because it was such an amazing opportunity, and really could have skyrocketed you into your dream life?

Don't be! Scientists say that things like that actually don't happen. To anyone. So, it's definitely not just you. Despite the fact that you're still stuck in the same spot you were in before, and probably have been for years, there's still plenty you can do to make yourself feel better, and make them see just what they're missing out on. If they're not going to hire you, the worst thing you can do is let them forget who you are!

Here are some ideas!

1. Dress up in a bear suit, knock on their door, and when they answer, kick the door strangely (but softly), and show them your cool and scary claws (in a non-threatening way).

2. Collect call them once a day and screech into the phone, piercingly, like a hawk.

3. Have a gift of a praying mantis in a clear box, decorated inside like a little living room, delivered to their doorstep at least 3 times a week.

4. Shout, "WHY?????" outside of their office building for 3 hours, but on Saturdays, so that it does not bother them.

5. When they don't call you, call THEM, and play Usher's "U Don't Have to Call" into the phone.
*Optional Flare: When Usher says "I'mma be all right tonight," sing this part with him, and with a lot of confidence, so that they question their decision.

6. Sit outside of their office building eating a pizza, but proudly.

7. Pace back and forth outside of their office in a full scuba suit, flippers, and holding a trident to the sky, for at least 4 hours.

8. Set up a karaoke machine outside of the building, and sing Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" while pointing in their direction, but insert your own lyrics assuring them that you're not at ALL talking about things you would do to them, but to someone else!

9. Lower yourself down on a rope from a helicopter and pretend that you are FLYING outside of their windows, you can fly???? Why wouldn't they hire someone that could fly??? This will make them feel very silly.

10. Eat a sandwich from Subway on their doorsteps every day for 1 year. Tell any employee that DOES work there as they leave for their lunch break that they can get ANY SUB this month for 3$. This will make you appear knowledgeable and helpful. They might start to ask you, " Do you work for Subway, or something?" and if so, just say that you do.

Chin up, soldier. You're destined for great things.*

*and if the scientists are right, just remember: generic vodka is always $5.99 at most grocery stores.

Monday, April 8, 2013

The "Female Support" (translated)

Talking to people is hard, right? Well, for most people, no, it's not. Sorry. But to you+(see chart below), it might be. However, in order to maintain aquaitences and friendships, you have to involve yourself in coversations that sometimes you might not want to be a part of. This involves speaking. Sometimes, for elongated periods of time.

And sometimes... to females.

I've never understood the phrase of encouragement that is, "At least you know you'll have the female support!" This may come as a shock, in that it won't, at all, but there are some* women who aren't very supportive of their fellow lady people. Maybe it's due to personal insecurities, or maybe it's because of conflicting personalities, or maybe it's simply because they're just a gigantic raving bitch, who knows, it could be anything, really, but nonetheless, it's the truth.

One still has to dispense of the pleasantries in order to get along with peers on an everyday basis, however. So on the outside, it appears as if everything is good, great, even, but on the inside, 0 feeling exists (as it should be! Feeling is stupid). The following are examples of obligatory statements and questions, and their true translations.

1. "I love your dress."

Translation: I see the dress that you are wearing with my eyes. I have a trash bag at home that looks quite similar.

2. "How was your (fun and exciting event previously spoken of) this past weekend?"

Translation: Please do not spend too much time talking about this to me, especially if it involves you being more popular than I am. I spent the weekend sitting on my couch and sticking my head inside a bag of Hint of Lime chips.

3. "How was your weekend?"

Translation: Please, for the love of christ, just say 'good,' and not much else. And please don't say 'bad,' because then I have to press for more information in order to appear to be caring at all. If you reply, 'just okay,' please know that I will treat that as 'good,' despite it being an obvious passive way of wanting me to ask you why it was not your perfect idea of what a weekend should be.

4. "What have you been up to lately?"

Translation: I am literally only asking this because we have not seen each other in an exremely can't-be-overlooked time, because I would otherwise not be doing so as it permits possibly several minutes worth of information, in which I will probably be forced to ask questions about said information, again, if wanting to appear like I give even 1 small fuck. Because, otherwise, WHY would I ask this? I don't even like being asked this. I know that, chances are, the answer is "not much," and by that, chances are you mean, "working at your food service job by day and saying you've been planning on moving out of state for 2+ years to pursue your writing career but usually spending your nights watching "The Hills" and drinking vodka in your utilities included apartment.******* But that's if I'm lucky. If I'm unlucky, you'll say, "Lots!" and go on for minutes upon minutes about your fantastic job and your wonderful relationship and how you went to Mexico for a wedding and it was fun and...

5. "Your hair is really pretty."

Translation: I want my hair to be that way, but it's not, it's a thick, frizzy mess that takes me 3 hours to do every day, so fuck you.

6. "It's nice to meet you."

Translation: I couldn't give two fucks. What is your name again?

7. "You should wear your hair like (opposite way of how your hair is styled)."

Translation: I am saying this to make you feel bad by suggesting you style your hair in a way that is not how you currently style it. Also, I am secretly hoping that you do so, because it would look really stupid and would make me happy to be prettier than you for a day.

8. "You're funny."

Translation: I don't understand you. You're strange to me.

9. "My boyfriend and I are (insert fun activity here) tonight" or "My boyfriend said (statement) yesterday" or "That reminds me of when my boyfriend and I (insert adventurous activity here)."

Translation: I need you to know that I have a boyfriend, so that you will know that I am better than you. Saying it outloud also reminds me that it is true and makes me feel good about myself, if only for a moment. Trust me; I need it! My self esteem is like a leaky tire, and talking about my boyfriend all of the time is my air compresser!

10. "You look really pretty today!"

Translation: You look really pretty today, and my obvious shock is proof that I do not find this to be the case on a daily basis.

Basically what I am trying to say is that my mom can be really mean sometimes.

+ = me

* = most**

**= all

***** = and now you all know what *I've* been up to.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Cat Birthday

Found myself at another animal's birthday party tonight.
 
Upon our arrival, KJ was pre-gaming.
 
He woke up, though. It's party time.

The other guests have arrived. Therefore...

...making it an appropriate time to serve the tuna cake.
 

 No one else is allowed to eat the tuna cake. Apologies to other guests for the misunderstanding.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. EVERYONE CALM DOWN-

My god, there is just tuna, everywhere.

...But there will be no stopping of this.

This has just become embarrassing. You should be embarrased.
 
8:09pm, on a Tuesday: You are leaving a cat's 17th birthday party.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

15 Favorite Things to Say Upon Approaching a McDonald's Cashier

1. "Say, this is a neat place. How long you guys been open for?"

2. "Yes, I'd like to buy you. The person."

3. "Can I ring myself up? I've brought my own uniform outfit."

4. "This is my favorite burger store. May I swim in your fry maker?"

5. "I've been advertising your burger store on my blog. Have you noticed a surge in business as of late?"

6. "I literally just burned down a small business diner down the street. *wink*"

7. "Hello. Do you sell couch cushions?"

8. "*Hops over counter, gives cashier an 8 minute long hug*"

9. "I'll try those new Fish McBites, please." (Then, act normal until taking your seat in the dining area, and insert each of them up your asshole.)

10. "I'll have an order of chicken nuggets." (Pay. Wait. Recieve order. Walk over to soda machine and sneakily pour order of nuggets into ice bin. Place box on your head as hat. Leave.)

11. *Approach counter* *Swing open arms, as if you were a bat spreading its wings* *Hiss*

12. "Hello, is it possible for me to order kids' Happy Meals if you can't technically see my children? My children are ghosts."

13. *Casually walk up, opening purse and pulling a live cat out* *Hand cat to cashier* *Smile*

14. "You have a dollar menu????? I'll have 1 dollar, then, please!" *Hand over a ten cent piece*

13. "Nevermind!" *Cartwheel out the door*